I dreamed of going to a four-year college for as long as I can remember. I thought that college was going to be fun and I was going to meet amazing people and finally burst out of my shell and be 100% myself – some of these things were true but college has been the best and worst experience of my life. I battled a lot with myself in high school about what I wanted to study in college. There was no question of taking a year off to find myself because my mom thought that if I took a year off I would not go back, so in the fall of 2015 my parents and I packed up my dad’s truck and drove 30 minutes (lol) to my school just outside of Boston. I met my roommate for the first time (in person) and the whole experience was amazing.
Later on in the semester, I learned just how awful my roommate actually was and it made the social aspect of college really shitty. I can honestly say I did not make one friend during those two semesters of living at school. On the academic side of things, I learned so much. I began respecting and valuing my education so much more. I had amazing professor’s and I learned so much about the environment, politics, mental health, writing, nutrition, and, most importantly, myself (clearly not enough to figure out what area I wanted to study). I was leaning a lot toward nursing because I felt as though my mom really wanted that for me and it is definitely a well paying and practical field to go into but I never really felt passionate about it. I remember meeting with my counselor on the regular to talk to her about other fields of study I could explore, but in the back of my mind I heard the nursing department saying to me, “Make sure you have all of your general education courses completed before your sophomore year so you can be in the nursing program because it’s very competitive.” That left me with not too much time to really explore myself and think about what I really wanted. I ended up sticking with all pre-nursing courses because I thought that that was what I wanted. I ended up leaving that school after having traumatic experiences with my roommate and not having many social ties and connections to that school.
Still lost and not knowing what my next move was, I went to a community college and enrolled in a few more pre-nursing courses to get ready to head to the school I thought I wanted to be a part of. Fast forward to the fall of 2016 and I finally registered at a new nursing school and was feeling so eager to start actual core nursing classes. Due to not having all of my credits transfer and it being a Catholic nursing school, I still had to continue taking pre-nursing courses. Eventually, I started Nursing 1000 in the fall of 2017. I did so well academically, one of the top students in my class, but I knew deep down that this was not a true passion of mine and it really breaks my heart to even consider this a thought. I have put in so much time – time I will never get back to reach the goal I thought I wanted to obtain. My parents and I have spent thousands of dollars on continuing my education and I feel so defeated.
I registered for Nursing 1020 in the spring of 2018 and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. Every day I woke up and thought to myself, is this really what I want? And I knew the answer to that question but I never wanted to consider that fact. I ended up doing poorly that semester and here I am now, three years into a degree I do not even want. Currently, I cannot even fathom the thought of going into another semester of nursing school. Many people around me continue to say, “Just get through it. School sucks for everyone, you’re almost done,” but why do I have to continue on a path I don’t want to be on? Am I stupid for throwing all of this away? Is it so hard to find a life I am excited to live? When does one begin to consider the mental health effects it has? Every semester I get deeper into nursing school the more anxiety and depression I feel. The more I struggle with my acne journey and the more self-esteem I lack. I am so exhausted battling in my mind about the future choices I have to make. I am so determined to live a life I love and I am killing myself in the process. I am beginning to realize that I need to start living my life for myself now and welcome adulthood with open arms. I have a lot to consider at the moment, but until then I will keep my options open and not let my anxiety defeat me.
I want to make clear that I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to even go to college and how grateful I am that I have parents who are able to help me in this process.